Random goofy and funny stuff, part deux

[GBA]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day


When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards
cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was
nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to
the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

[Gaius Millhelm]

LMAO!!!! :lol:

[Master Chief]

rotflmao!!!

[GBA]

The top seven idiots of 2004

Number One Idiot of 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital.


She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring
her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated They are no longer employed at Boeing.


Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to
rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

Give him his sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2004

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.



Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote (and breed).

[GBA]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.



So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.



He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.



She will always agree with every decision you make
and she will not nag you. and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!



She will bear your children.



and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.


"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."


Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
==

==

==


Of course the rest is history......................

[Funky Monkey]

positively classic threead :mrgreen:

[Lady Rhian]

GBA, that first story of the angel and the tree was hilarious. :lol:

[GBA]

> Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without
> four-letter words and raunchy antics. Below are his tips for a
> happy marriage.
>
> 1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little
> beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on
> Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
>
> 2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is
> in Tucson.
>
> 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
>
> 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
> suggested the kitchen.
>
> 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
>
> 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric
> bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no
> place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
>
> 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
> water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
> "In the lake."
>
> 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
> fell off.
>
> 9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for
> the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
>
> 10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
>
> 11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
>
> 12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was
> "Always".
>
> 13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
> interrupt her.
>
> 14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the
> TV?......." I said, "Dust."
>
>

[GBA]

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and Successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the 'Stella Awards' for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5th Place (Tied)
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (Tied)
19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th Place (Tied)
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2nd Place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place!!!!!
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles

[exitwound]

gaaaah :shock:

[nuggy]

http://www.athropolis.com/game11.htm

[nuggy]

just a test...where's my sig? ahhh...fuck off.

exit look!
help please!

[exitwound]

just a test...where's my sig? ahhh...fuck off.

exit look!
help please!

hrm.....try it this way (without the spaces)

America will never forget: http://www.worldtradecenterphotos.com

[nuggy]

thanks :wink:

[roguestar]

what are those images in your avatar, nuggy?

[GBA]

Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird
WEEK OF DECEMBER 26, 2004

LEAD STORY

University of Florida professor Thomas DeMarse revealed in December that he has constructed a primitive "brain" ("live computation device") out of 25,000 rat neurons and has taught it to maneuver an F-22 fighter jet simulation in a straight trajectory. The brain had to be "taught," he said, because at first, the plane kept crashing. DeMarse said an organic brain is potentially much more flexible than even the highest-tech computer. The National Science Foundation and National Institutes of Health are funding his work, as models for controlling otherwise-risky unmanned aircraft and for developing epilepsy-fighting drugs. [Daily Telegraph (London), 12-5-04]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenes of the Surreal
(1) Following an October worker compensation fine levied against a ranch in Australia's outback, after a cowboy fell off a horse and hit his head, the losing ranch owner said he would require all his wranglers to wear helmets instead of the classic cowboy hats (and other ranch owners may follow along). (2) In November, the school district in Spurger, Texas, ended its decades-old, Homecoming Week reverse-roles day (in which girls dress as boys and vice versa) after one parent complained that the tradition promoted a homosexual lifestyle; in its place, the school urged kids to dress in military camouflage. [Newsday-AP, 11-15-04] [Associated Press, 11-16-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chutzpah!
(1) In July, Winnetka, Ill., investment promoter Charles Harris made a last-ditch effort to get his clients' support, hoping they would not cooperate with authorities who were about to arrest him for fraud. Harris sent each a DVD in which he begged them to give his investments more time, but federal agents, after arresting Harris in September, said Harris probably shot that DVD from the Caribbean Sea, on the 62-foot yacht he had bought with clients' money. (2) In Cleveland, Tenn., Rob Smitty gained media attention in November after donating a kidney to a stranger, hoping the selfless act would make his daughter "proud"; however, Smitty was at the time 24 months behind on child support, and his daughter, Amber, sighed to reporters that Smitty had a poor record of visiting or calling, even on her birthday. [MSNBC-WMAQ-TV (Chicago), 9-16-04] [Florida Times-Union-AP, 11-13-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Injudicious Judges

According to a female bailiff in Tampa, Fla., county judge Gasper Ficarrota (during a hotel-room tryst with the bailiff) laid out his robe on their bed for her to wear so that she could "feel the power that his black robe possessed." "Why do you think successful attorneys strive to become judges?" he asked. (The bailiff's remarks were written in her private diary, introduced by her husband at their divorce trial in November.) [St. Petersburg Times, 11-18-04]

In September, District of Columbia Superior Court Judge Judith Retchin ordered Jonathan Magbie, 27, to jail for 10 days for first-offense marijuana possession (a virtually unheard-of sentence in D.C.), despite the fact that Magbie was a quadriplegic with permanent tracheal, urinary and stomach tubes and was often ventilator-dependent, in addition to having various other infirmities. (Magbie died four days later, after what the D.C. Health Department concluded in December was severely inadequate care in jail and in an emergency room.) [Washington Post, 11-20-04, 12-11-04]


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The Entrepreneurial Spirit

America's Creative Class: Farmer Randy Valicoff (of Yakima Valley in Washington) sold designer apples (at $6) this autumn, created by laying tiny, artistic stickers of "cougars" or "huskies" on ripening apples, leaving on the otherwise-red skin yellow images of either the Washington State University cougar or the University of Washington husky. And in November, Rice University MBA student Beau Carpenter introduced his battery-operated, glowing thong for strippers, with a two-hour charge, in neon colors, at about $50. [Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 11-10-04] [Houston Chronicle, 11-28-04]

New Scientist magazine reported in September that Chris Melhuish (University of the West of England, at Bristol) was readying his EcoBot II, a self-powered robot that runs on energy produced by catching and digesting houseflies (and breaking down their sugars to release electrons). The major downside: The most efficient way to attract flies is with sewage, which makes EcoBot II unfriendly to humans. [Reuters, 9-8-04]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awesome Animals

In Ruthin, Wales, the owners of the bull Picston Shottle said in November that they believe that piped-in Mozart music helped develop his amazing productivity as a stud; his semen is sold out until April, with enough output to create about 500 "doses" a day (at a price of about US$65 a dose). And sheep farmer Barry Walker touted his flock's production of superfine Australian merino wool at his operation in New South Wales, helped along, he said, by a secret diet of grains and the piped-in music of Italian singer Andrea Bocelli. [Associated Press, 11-17-04] [Reuters, 12-6-04]

In November, BBC News previewed an upcoming story for its wildlife TV magazine show "Spy in the Woods," derived from film footage from a stationary hidden camera in the Quingling mountains in northwest China. Featured on the show was a panda doing a handstand against a tree, apparently for the purpose of extending the vertical reach of his urine, to more dominantly mark his territory. [BBC News, 11-25-04]


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Creme de la Weird
The super-reclusive, 280-person German cult Villa Baviera, holed up in Chile since 1961 and worshipping of former army nurse Paul Schaefer (now age 81, with whereabouts unknown), broke into the public eye in a November Reuters dispatch describing how most members have finally, after four decades, come to realize that they were mistaken in their belief that Schaefer is God's messenger on Earth. The cult lived frozen in time, with few modern conveniences, wearing clothing from the 1930s, and in total obedience to Schaefer, who had imposed many idiosyncratic policies, including an ironclad no-intimacy rule. [Reuters, 11-8-04]



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Readers' Choice
In November, a 46-year-old man climbed into an enclosed area at the Taipei (Taiwan) Zoo, apparently to attempt to convert a pride of lions to Christianity by informing them that Jesus is their savior. According to witnesses, the lion king sauntered over and briefly sank his teeth into the man's leg, but then, according to one account, "got bored" and returned to his previous state of lounging, as zoo personnel hustled the intruder away. [New York Post, 11-4-04]



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Least Competent Criminals
Although ride-on lawn mowers have been used as transportation to and from crime scenes before (and even as "vehicles" that drunk drivers get charged with DUI while operating), it is rare that a suspect tries to actually outrun police while on one, as Steven W. Coleman, 37, did in Dover, N.H., in December; he was wanted for questioning in an arson at a former girlfriend's house, and when he saw the lights of a police cruiser, he opened the throttle and took off, for a couple of blocks, before a second cruiser cut him off. [Foster's Daily Democrat (Dover, N.H.), 12-6-04]



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Recurring Themes
The Sacramento (Calif.) Fire Department reported in November that a resident had dropped by the fire station on Granada Way in order to turn in a grenade he had found in his garage. It was later safely detonated. (As in many previous such episodes nationwide, Sacramento authorities requested that anyone who comes across a bomb or grenade should simply report its whereabouts, and not pick it up and, especially, not bring it to them.) [KCRA-TV (Sacramento), 11-26-04]



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More Things to Worry About
(1) Wildlife experts cited in a BBC News dispatch from Dar es Salaam said the probable cause of a lion's anti-human rampage in southern Tanzania in 2003 and 2004 (killing and eating 35 people) was an abscessed-caused toothache, which led him to seek an alternative to his favorite food, buffalo, which is difficult to chew. (2) A November Associated Press dispatch from Elyria, Ohio, profiled Jennifer Mitchell, who runs a "rescue mission" of sorts, acting as a home of last resort where people can leave rats that they initially kept as pets but grew tired of. At any given time, about three dozen are in residence. [BBC News, 10-19-04] [Akron Beacon Journal-AP, 11-15-04]

[nuggy]

hello GBA. :)

do you remember me? :P

[roguestar]

hello GBA. :)

do you remember me? :P

who could forget?! :twisted:

[GBA]

This message cannot be displayed because nuggy is on your ignore list

[GBA]

The Kids Who Survived

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

[nuggy]

what are those images in your avatar, nuggy?

did I read that right? did you really ask what my av. is?

:roll: :roll: :roll:

[roguestar]

what are those images in your avatar, nuggy?

did I read that right? did you really ask what my av. is?

:roll: :roll: :roll:

yes

[GBA]

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $50

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find

out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Is Florida great or what?

[cranius]

speaks for itself :twisted:

http://www.yobbo.co.nz/photogallery/funny%20photos/ plumber.jpg

[cranius]

http://www.yobbo.co.nz/photogallery/funny%20photos/ 68961_17.jpg

[Renjax]

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

[Renjax]

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

[Renjax]

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

[Renjax]

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

[Renjax]

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

[Renjax]

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

[Renjax]

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

[Renjax]

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

[Renjax]

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

[Renjax]

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko..

[Renjax]

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..

[Renjax]

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

[Renjax]

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

[Renjax]

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

[Renjax]

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

[Renjax]

What Do You Call A Dog With No Legs?
Doesn't Matter. He Won't Come Anyway.

[Renjax]

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

[Renjax]

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

[Renjax]

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

[Renjax]

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

[Renjax]

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

[Renjax]

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.

[Renjax]

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[GBA]

At the end of the world, the only thing left are cockaroaches and a big pile of fruitcakes, what happens ?



The cockaroaches starve to death.

[GBA]

Poop Doggy:

http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/poop_doggy_dog/poop_ doggy_dog.swf
:lol:

[al-Canine]

Poop Doggy:

http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/poop_doggy_dog/poop_ doggy_dog.swf
:lol:

That was SO FUNNY!! Thanks!! Wag Wag Wag!!

[GBA]

Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird

WEEK OF JANUARY 9, 2005

LEAD STORY

Those Hardy Floridians: Rudolph Jessie Hicks Jr., 30, was arrested in Brooksville, Fla., for trespass, but not before he had gotten up from a police dog takedown, five Taser shots, and an entire can of pepper spray (December). And police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., were considering whether to charge Ms. Robin Bush, who strangled a 130-pound Rottweiler after it would not let go of her tiny Yorkie (December). And a 20-year-old man suffered only minor injuries after driving his car through a fifth-floor wall of a parking garage and landing inside the second floor of a store at the Shoppes of Sunset Place in South Miami (December). [Hernando Today, 12-6-04] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 12-10-04] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 12-14-04]


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More Things To Worry About
(1) Police in Denton, Texas, arrested two teenagers in October and charged them with robbing two visitors who were passing through town from Montana; the victims said they were on their way to Baton Rouge, La., because they needed money and had read on the Internet that a medical school would pay $100,000 for testicles. (2) The Dutch retirement home Seniorenpand, in Rotterdam, bills itself as the world's only old-age community for incorrigible heroin addicts and has a long waiting list for its few rooms, according to a December dispatch in The Scotsman. (One satisfied resident bragged that he had some "pretty good stuff" the night before.) [Denton Record Chronicle, 10-21-04] [The Scotsman, 12-20-04]



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Ironies
A 59-year-old veteran NASCAR driver from Scottsdale, Ariz., was killed in November when he fell off of a Segway scooter (going 5 mph) at a Las Vegas go-cart race and hit his head. And in China's Guangxi Zhuang region in September, five people asphyxiated while conducting a ceremony in a dangerous lead mine (frequently shut down by the government), including a prominent feng shui expert there to advise on improving harmonic energy flow. And in Aliquippa, Pa., in October, a 28-year-old man was electrocuted on his first day at work as an electrician. [East Valley Tribune (Mesa, Ariz.), 11-29-04] [Qinzhou Daily-Interfax, 9-7-04] [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 10-29-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scenes of the Surreal
(1) Britain's Office of Communications, which rules on viewers' complaints about TV programs, decided in November that the on-air, manual collecting of hog semen on the "reality" show "The Farm" did not violate standards in that, in the office's opinion, the pig did not feel "degrad(ed)" by the experience. (2) Because a British Broadcasting Corp. employee got a toe trapped in a revolving door at company offices in Birmingham (cracking a toenail), executives in December sent a memo to the workforce of 800, using stick-figure drawings, with instructions on how to walk through the doors. [Agence France-Presse, 11-29-04] [Agence France-Presse, 12-23-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can't Possibly Be True
In October, as part of the government's vigorous "social order" anti-drug campaign, dozens of police officers in Bangkok, Thailand, raided the trendy Q Bar late on Saturday night and locked it down, detained the nearly 400 customers, and passed out plastic cups so that each one could submit to an on-the-spot urinalysis. Said the bar's manager, "(The raid is) pretty much an annual event. It's a little bit like Christmas." [News-Leader (Springfield, Mo.)-AP, 11-1-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unclear on the Concept

In Salt Lake City in November, federal judge Paul G. Cassell, remarking that mandatory-minimum sentencing laws gave him no choice, sent a 25-year-old, small-quantity marijuana dealer to prison for 55 years (because he had a gun on him during two of the transactions). Two hours before that, in a crime Cassell described as far more serious but not subject to the same mandatory minimums, he sentenced a man to 22 years in prison for beating an elderly woman to death with a log. [New York Times, 11-17-04]

In November, Jens Orback, Sweden's minister for integration and gender equality, who had been under fire for not being aggressive on the job, denied on the radio program "Ekot" that he was intolerant of sexual minorities. Said Orback: "I had a wonderful aunt who lived in Canada with a horse. I thought it was wonderful. Let people live as they wish." Later, attempting to explain himself, Orback insisted that the aunt's relationship with the horse was platonic. [The Local (Sweden's News in English), 11-16-04]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Super-Tolerant People

A St. Paul Pioneer Press reporter, interviewing neighbors of the people who shared a St. Croix Falls, Wis., home that was condemned after being overrun with 450 cats, found that most neighbors had failed to notice the house's putrid smell. Several said that the awful odor from the neighborhood's fish hatchery and the awful odor of the neighborhood's sewage treatment plant probably overrode the awful odor of the house. [St. Paul Pioneer Press, 11-6-04]

Brigham Young University's Newsnet reported in November on Marilyn and Elton Pierce of Provo, Utah, who because their telephone number is easily confused with a BYU information line, estimate they have received 25,000 wrong-number calls in 14 years (averaging to five per day). Marilyn, in her 70s, said she didn't have the couple's number changed because she doesn't mind the calls and in fact rather enjoys talking to people. [BYU Newsnet, 11-29-04]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Least Competent People
A 39-year-old man in Chillicothe, Ohio, was hospitalized in December after an unsuccessful suicide attempt that accidentally blew his own house to pieces and did heavy damage to neighboring homes. The man had turned on the natural gas to kill himself, but then realized that other houses might be in danger, and just as he dashed to the basement to turn off the electricity, the house exploded (probably from an electrical spark) and was leveled. A month before, the man had tried to kill himself with automobile exhaust and a garden hose, but his car ran out of gas before he could die, and he then hooked up a propane tank for the same purpose, but once again, he outlived his fuel supply. [Chillicothe Gazette, 12-7-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update
In 2002 News of the Weird reported that H. Beatty Chadwick had served 6 1/2 years in jail in suburban Philadelphia for civil contempt of court for not producing $2.5 million in marital assets that he was supposed to split with his ex-wife, with the U.S. jail record for contempt believed to be 10 years. As of October 2004, he is still in jail, closing in on the record, and the amount owed is up to $4.2 million, with Chadwick sticking to his defense that the money had long since been spent. Said Chadwick's lawyer, "This (nonexistent) money is like the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We are the Saddam Hussein of the marital world." [Washington Post, 11-11-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recurring Themes
News of the Weird reported as far back as 1998 on optimistic pet owners preparing to pay large sums for a cloned model of a deceased dog or cat, mentioning a lab at Texas A&M University planning to clone a collie-husky named Missy (who was, of course, according to her owners, "perfect"). The lab's Dr. Mark Westhusin and his team managed to clone its first dog, "cc," in 2001, and has subsequently cloned cattle, goats, pigs and a cat. In December 2004, another outfit, Genetic Savings and Clone (of Sausalito, Calif., and Madison, Wis.), announced that it had delivered a kitten to a woman for $50,000 that is a DNA replica of Nicky, a cat that died last year at age 17. [New York Times-AP, 12-23-04]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Readers' Choice
Paul Eugene Levengood, owner of the Tasty Flavors Sno Biz dessert shop in the Chattanooga, Tenn., suburb of Red Bank, was charged with two counts of sexual battery in November when two 19-year-old female employees said he had occasionally spanked them for workplace errors (for example, once for forgetting to put a banana into a smoothie drink). A defensive Levengood pointed out that the women had each signed a form, "I give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit." Police found at the store many photographs of women's posteriors, even though a Sno Biz executive called Levengood a "very Christian person." [Associated Press, 11-9-04]

[GBA]

> Finally, a bumper sticker for BOTH political
> parties!
>
> The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from
> New York State:
>
> "RUN HILLARY RUN'
>
> Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
> Republicans put it on the front bumper.
>

[Renjax]

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.

[Renjax]

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both
did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler
first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.
The executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you just jack off? I feel like shit."

[GBA]

Try this and see how far you can keep this drunk man up. Good Luck!
You just move you mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep him walking in a straight line.
The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over, by using your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't see your mouse which makes itmore difficult.
Apparently the record is 82 meters! Love the sound effects.

Oh, by the way, It's in German.
http://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm

p.s. Is it me or does this dude look like nuggy?
:lol: :lol:

[Metoo]

I could only get 7 meters.


(and yeah it does look sort of like him minus the chicken legs. Nuggy has nice legs)

[Nyar]

I could only get 7 meters.


(and yeah it does look sort of like him minus the chicken legs. Nuggy has nice legs)hi steph

[Metoo]

I could only get 7 meters.


(and yeah it does look sort of like him minus the chicken legs. Nuggy has nice legs)hi steph

Hi sweetie. How's your weekend?

[nuggy]

Try this and see how far you can keep this drunk man up. Good Luck!
You just move you mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep him walking in a straight line.
The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over, by using your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't see your mouse which makes itmore difficult.
Apparently the record is 82 meters! Love the sound effects.

Oh, by the way, It's in German.
http://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm

p.s. Is it me or does this dude look like nuggy?
:lol: :lol:

my record is 4 ONS. Oh, by the way, It's in German.
http://ch.tilllate.com

p.s. Is it only me or does GBA look like a Moron?
:D :lol: :D :lol:

[GBA]

:lol: :lol:

In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(..and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swiss chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


my record is 4 ONS. Oh, by the way, It's in German.
http://ch.tilllate.com

p.s. Is it only me or does GBA look like a Moron?
:D :lol: :D :lol:[/quote]

[GBA]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

================================================== ===

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[GBA]

Smile



There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday
services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as
opposed to cash.

Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there
are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the
diocese for sorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips
belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the
casinos turning chips into cash.

And he is known as ......

Are you ready,


The CHIP-MONK
:roll:




:D

[Lady Rhian]

Chip Monk- LOL

I love the greeting card messages above- hilarious!

[GBA]

Taser gun cop:
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/taserguncop.html

Cop tasers the shit out this drunk dude.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[GBA]

The Pope & President Bush



The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when all of a sudden, the Pope's Zucchetto (hat) blows off his head and out onto the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat but President Bush waves them off saying, "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this, don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard.

He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.


The next morning, Dan Rather from CBS News reports......



"BUSH CAN'T SWIM"

[GBA]

Irishman on deserted island

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left
sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes
one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?"
asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket,
removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long
drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly
fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus!
Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!!!!"

[Lady Rhian]

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus!
Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!!!!"
________________________

LOL. I expected, er, something more sinful.

[GBA]

Are you getting old ??
http://www.singingman.us/DYR.htm
:D

[Wicked]

Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all

through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a
month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
inconsiderate
and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another

and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't
come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle
of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction,
all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
Detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
blouse
were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no
longer
be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder
suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people . .

[exitwound]

LMAO....such evil jokes are the inevitable consquence of living in central/northern NH :roll:

[GBA]

On Dec. 20, a United Parcel Service driver was involved in a crash on an icy road

near Keene, N.H., suffered a head injury, and was taken to Cheshire Medical

Center, where tests were to be performed, except that the required machine

for them was broken (though parts were on order). After checking the status

of the order, hospital personnel discovered that the parts had been shipped

and were in fact in the crashed UPS truck, and someone was dispatched to the

scene of the accident to retrieve them. [Keene Sentinel, 12-20-04]

************************************************


Least Competent People

A 21-year-old man was hospitalized in intensive care in Murdoch, Australia

(near Perth), in December following a barroom stunt in which he put on a

helmet connected to a beer jug, with a hose that ran between the jug and a

pump powered by an electric drill. The idea was to facilitate drinking a large

quantity of beer without the laborious tasks of lifting a glass and swallowing,

but the flow was so powerful that he had to be rushed to the hospital with a

10-centimeter tear in his stomach. [The West Australian, 12-15-04]

***********************************************

In January, a 22-year-old man robbed a Chevron station in Vancouver,

Wash., and eluded police in a high-speed getaway, but he then got lost and

wound up back at the same Chevron station, and, apparently not recognizing

where he was, he asked for directions, allowing the clerk to notify police, who

soon arrested him. [KTRK-TV (Houston), 12-11-04] [Fox News, 1-6-05]

[GBA]

Female Comebacks!



Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.



Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.



Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.



Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.



Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.



Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized



Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.



Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?



Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[al-Canine]

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And
Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

[Alli27]

Mailmen Have All the Luck


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway.

His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the
mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is
the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." :o :o

[Mr. Drags]

The Peculiar Side of Life

1. Ever* wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of* Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:* NAIVE

2. Isn't* making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a* swimming pool?

3.* OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the* "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make* the Tennessee Titans?

4.* If 4* out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys* it?

5.* There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not* recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as* the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each*other in the liquor store or*at Hooters.

6.*If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't* people* from Holland called Holes?

7.*Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults* enjoy*adultery?

8.*If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9.* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they*just stale bread to begin with?

10.* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a* person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12.* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,* doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians* denoted, cowboys*deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons*debarked, and dry cleaners* depressed?

13.* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it* Fed* UP?

14.* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15.* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses* of* bald* men?

16.* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible* a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming* for their final exam.

17. I* thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny* little spoons and* forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18.* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the* Post* Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't* they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for* them while they deliver the mail?

19** If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others*here for?

20.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to* drive.

21.* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it* didn't zigzag?

22.* If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23.* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[GBA]

The Peculiar Side of Life


Those are great !
:lol: :lol:

[Lady Rhian]

Ernie, a guy on the local beach, just couldn't make
it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're
wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ya man, you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Ernie hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato and for crying out loud! - it's worse than before.

Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Ernie goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him "Now what's wrong ?"

"Geeeezzzzzz!" says the lifeguard..."The potato goes in FRONT!!"

[GBA]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[GBA]

Investment Tips for 2005: For all of you with any
money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and
the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be aware of the next
expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground
floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these
consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta
Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
UPS, and become: FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become: Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become: Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become: KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge
under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

[Lady Rhian]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted
on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always
reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She
then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words." She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

[Winter]

http://www.mskplanet.com/numanumaye.htm

[GBA]

Golfer/Husband


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."


WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).


WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."


WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"



WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "Oh No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: - - - Silence - -

HUSBAND: "Oh, Shit."

[GBA]

Hilary Clinton


Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York
to talk about the world. After her talk, she has a
"question and answer" period.

One little boy raises his hand and the Senator asks
him for his name.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First, whatever happened to
your medical health care plan?
Second, why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office?
And third, whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton
informs the children that they will continue after
recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him for his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First, whatever happened to
your medical health care plan?
Second, why would you run for President after
your husband shamed the office?
Third, whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20
minutes early?
And fifth, what happened to Kenneth?"

[GBA]

Why it is important to learn English when
you live in the United States?





http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/prep .jpg

[WakeUp]

Why it is important to learn English
when you live in the United States?


http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/Smileys%20Icons/c111.gif

[diamondgypsy]

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells
him, I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse
and I'm sending him over.

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nith mouth, Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I see her twat?"

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I see her run?"

[diamondgypsy]

YOU DON'T LOVE ME!

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darndest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself!

[GBA]

The Scot and the Dentist

A Scot goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth
extraction.
"$85 for an extraction sir" is the dentist's reply.
"Och huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?" pleads the Scotsman, getting
agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" says the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asks the Scot hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what
you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" says the dentist.
"Hmm, what about if yer used one of yer dentist trainees and still
without anesthetic ?"
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee
their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I
suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" offers the
dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much. How about if ye make it a trainin' session
and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin'
and learnin?" asks the Scot hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge
you only $5 in that case" says the dentist.
"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" crows the Scot. "Can you
confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"

[Badgirl]

nice haircut

http://i5.tinypic.com/11r81ee.jpg

[GBA]

Surgery !

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate
on.

*The first surgeon says:

"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered."

*The second responds: *"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

*The third surgeon says:*No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."*

The fourth surgeon chimes in:*"You know, I like construction
workers.............those guys always under stand when you have a few parts left over."

*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:*"You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass
are interchangeable."

[GBA]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

[GBA]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Golf .jpg


The Law of Physics States it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.
That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the
income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six
or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does to become a brain surgeon.
On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer,
eat hot dogs, and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

[GBA]

This Might Help






The other day, I had to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt.
Then I sewed a couple of patches on which I grabbed from the Internet..

It was amazing how many people left as I walked in.
I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all..

Here is the patch that you can sew on your clothing if you are in need of quicker emergency service.












http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/bord erpatroll.jpg

[GBA]

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think the at we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Electric]

HURRICANE NAMES

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found something else to
be angry about.

A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee of Houston)
reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all
Caucasian-sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect
African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal as these
hurricanes do start on the African Coast.


...I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying...

"Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on
a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo! So turn off dem chitlins, grab yo'
chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!"

[Electric]

Prison vs. Work
.... Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
> AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
> AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
> AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
> AT WORK............you must carry a security card and open the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
> AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
> AT WORK..........you share the toilet with people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
> AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
> AT WORK..........you pay your own expenses to go to work,
and taxes are deducted from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
> AT WORK .......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
> AT WORK...........they are called managers


:sherlock: :juggle: http://img420.imageshack.us/img420/5513/kngt7ww.gi f :statue:

[Badgirl]

Prison vs. Work
.... Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
> AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
> AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
> AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
> AT WORK............you must carry a security card and open the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
> AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
> AT WORK..........you share the toilet with people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
> AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
> AT WORK..........you pay your own expenses to go to work,
and taxes are deducted from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
> AT WORK .......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
> AT WORK...........they are called managers


:sherlock: :juggle: http://img420.imageshack.us/img420/5513/kngt7ww.gi f :statue:

Yanno Electric I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry reading that :hmmmm:

:bighug:

[kidcanuck]

Prison vs. Work
.... Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
> AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
> AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
> AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
> AT WORK............you must carry a security card and open the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
> AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
> AT WORK..........you share the toilet with people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
> AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
> AT WORK..........you pay your own expenses to go to work,
and taxes are deducted from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
> AT WORK .......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
> AT WORK...........they are called managers


:sherlock: :juggle: http://img420.imageshack.us/img420/5513/kngt7ww.gi f :statue:
Lol. This was super funny!

[Electric]

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.


Impotence....Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"


The proctologist called
...they found your head.


Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.


Save your breath...You'll need it to inflate your date.


I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.


Guys..just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.


Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"



Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.



Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.



If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.



Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.


Hang up and drive!!


And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America
...now speak English


LIVE WELL...LAUGH OFTEN
Make It a Great Day ! !

[GBA]

BAMA


DammitBoy passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.


How do you know when you're staying in DammitBoy's hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."


How can you tell if DammitBoy is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" at DammitBoy's house ?
Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented?
Alabama.
If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.


An Alabama State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replies "Bout wut?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss too.
Both books.....poof.... up in flames and the librarian hadn't even finished coloring one of them.


A new law was recently passed in Alabama.
When DammitBoy gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.


A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya? "
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Arkansas".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Arkansas?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist? "
The man says, "I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[GBA]

Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



What disease did cured ham actually have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

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[Electric]

GBA posted 25 - here's a few more... maybe we can get it up to 50!

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26. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
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27. Who was the first person to say,
"See this chicken? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
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28. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
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29. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
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30. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
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31. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
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32. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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33. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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[GBA]

Become a Republican:
http://www.thefrown.com/frowners/becomerepublican. swf

:lmfao:

[GBA]

Poodle-Fitness:

http://www.dorks.com/html/Poodle-Fitness.html

:ohno: :lmfao:

[GBA]

Stupid cat tricks:
http://www.dorks.com/html/Funny-Cats-Video.html
http://www.dorks.com/html/Very-Smart-Cat.html
:ohno: :lmfao:

[GBA]

Sydney-Bridge-Security-Test:
http://www.dorks.com/html/Sydney-Bridge-Security-Test.html
:favorite:

[WakeUp]

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/BumperArt/Word%20Play/2004012438_Display-25.gif

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/BumperArt/Word%20Play/2004012439_Display-25.gif

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/BumperArt/Word%20Play/2004011937_Display-25.gif

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/BumperArt/Word%20Play/2004011930_Display-25.gif

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/BumperArt/Word%20Play/2004011899_Display-25.gif

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d147/WakeUpAmeri ca/BumperArt/Word%20Play/2004011944_Display-25.gif