From The Onion

[GBA]

Homeless initiative to raise bottle and can deposit to 12-cents

WASHINGTON, DC—A bipartisan Congressional initiative passed Monday promises that relief, in the form of a national, 12-cent bottle-and-can refund, will soon come to the nation's estimated 600,000 homeless.


"We can no longer ignore the problem of homelessness in our country," Rep. Benjamin L. Cardin (D-MD) said. "Under the new program, all aluminum and glass beverage containers will be required to carry a minimum refund value of 12 cents, boosting homeless citizens' incomes and endowing them with a sense of pride in their work."

Citing the track records of local deposit plans, the Subcommittee on Human Resources drew up a proposal that would tap into the nation's existing infrastructure to minimize the homeless epidemic without creating budgetary hurdles. Dubbed the Shelter And Recycling Initiative (SARI), it is the first nation-wide, federally mandated bottle-deposit program. It is also the first government program designed to lift the burden of homelessness from the taxpayers' shoulders.

"For homeless can-collectors in my home state of Michigan, the plan represents a 20-percent raise," Rep. Dave Camp (R-MI) said. "For those in states like California, New York, and Iowa, it represents a whopping 140 percent wage increase. Everyone wins: The homeless enjoy a higher standard of living, and we taxpayers enjoy cleaner streets, free of cans and bottles!"

Under the plan, an additional 50,000 bottle-and-can redemption machines will be placed in front of the nation's grocery stores to cut down on the amount of time homeless people spend in line.

"This is the best way to help the homeless help themselves," Camp said. "Think of how good they'll feel about themselves when they can march right up to that refund machine, deposit their grocery basket full of bottles and cans, roll on over to the register, and pay for their Dinty Moore stew with money they've earned."

According to Camp, if the homeless can't "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" after the return-rate increase, then "there is no helping them."

"This is a chance to give the homeless a hand up, instead of a handout," Camp said. "With the amount of alcohol they consume, industrious homeless winos will be able to drink themselves to a better life."

The refund bill, though approved by Congress, has caused a public outcry. Makers of boxed beverages argue that the bill will create a windfall for aluminum- and glass-packaged beverage manufacturers. Soda drinkers argue that soda is expensive enough as it is, without the additional expense of a deposit. Activists have suggested that the bill is "insensitive."

"This program is a slap in the face for the poor and unfortunate," homeless advocate Neal Schweiber said. "Does Congress really think they can sweep the problem of homelessness under the rug with a 12-cent rebate? Nothing less than 20 cents per container constitutes an effective policy shift."

Added Schweiber: "Have you ever had to dig through someone's trash to make a living? I haven't either, but I have seen people do it. It looks extremely unpleasant."

Homeless-shelter worker Patricia Wenzel agrees that the initiative is inadequate.

"This bill has no provisions to care for disabled homeless men and women, many of whom do not have the capacity to collect drink containers," Wenzel said. "We need to provide all hopeless and destitute individuals with a ray of hope."

In spite of the warnings and protestations of its detractors, the subcommittee plans to institute SARI by Nov. 12, 2005.

"This isn't a tax, it's a deposit in our future," Camp said. "And taxpayers who opt out of their redemptions can write off discarded cans as a contribution to the poor. As the saying goes, one man's trash is another man's treasure."

[GBA]

Nigeria chosen to host the 2008 Genocides

ABUJA, NIGERIA—At a celebratory press conference Monday, President Olusegun Obasanjo announced that Nigeria's troubled but oil-rich city of Warri has been chosen to host the 2008 Genocides.


"Nigeria is excited for this chance to follow in the footsteps of Somalia, Rwanda, and Sudan," Obasanjo said. "Much work remains to be done, but all of the building blocks are in place. Nigeria has many contentious ethnic groups, a volatile economy, and a dependence on food imports. We are well on our way to making 2008 a genocidal year to remember in Nigeria!"

Obasanjo acknowledged that many people considered Nigeria, a relatively stable West African nation, an unlikely candidate to host the Genocides.

"With a multi-party government transitioning from military to civilian rule, Nigeria is not a shoo-in to host the Genocides," Obasanjo said. "But last week's municipal election—with ballot shortages and multiple accusations of vote tampering—showed the world that Nigeria is, indeed, geared up for the unimaginable."

Oni Radhiya, a spokesman from the 2004 Genocide Board, said September's crippling polio outbreak may have helped Nigeria beat out the competition.

"Sudan was a fantastic host this year—the 2004 Genocides have really raised the bar," Radhiya said. "For 2008, many of us on the committee had our eyes on Tajikistan. The country's ongoing ethnic and religious strife made it a strong contender. But there was some concern that the conflict was as likely to simmer down as it was to boil over."

Radhiya added that Iraq was ruled out because the country is unlikely to exist three and a half years from now.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said that, after a close examination of all bids, a Nigerian genocide "began to seem almost inevitable."

"Nigeria's stability has been repeatedly threatened by fighting between fundamentalist Muslims and Christians," Annan said. "Five of Nigeria's seven political parties are extremist groups. The nation's ethnic Yoruba, Hausa, and Ibo populations of the oil-rich Niger Delta area also show genocidal promise."

Annan said he first noticed the full genocidal potential of soon-to-be embattled Nigeria in September, when the Niger Delta People's Volunteer Force threatened to shut down oil production.

"With so many poor and powerless people involved in messy, years-old conflicts, the situation is likely to be ignored long enough for things to get really ugly," Annan said. "And, of course, the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions."

According to Nigerian officials, now that their country has secured the bid, the government has much work to do.

"Don't think we'll just sit on our hands and wait for a crippling drought to pit neighbor against neighbor," Nigerian Minister of State Bello Usman said. "No, the next two years will be crucial. We need to default on our $2 billion IMF loan, invest the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turn a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate."

Added Usman: "There's a lot to accomplish, but I promise you this: By early 2008, ashes will blacken the sky and blood will run in the streets."

According to Red Cross programming director Ellen Schumacher, genocide, once a spectacle that drew the attention of the entire world, has received less attention in recent years, drawing an ever-diminishing Western audience.

"The most glaring problem has been a time-zone issue, since most of the proceedings take place during inconvenient, off-peak viewing times," Schumacher said. "But, as an oil-rich nation, Nigeria is much more likely to build a viewer base in the West. Perhaps the country will even be able to get one of the networks to pony up for exclusive rights."

[exitwound]

Hilarious, yet somehow horrifying all at once....nice picks, GBA :mrgreen:

[GBA]

Weed delivery guy saves Christmas

MADISON, WI—The holidays evoke images of carolers and hot cocoa, sleigh rides through the crisp country air, and chestnuts roasting on an open fire. But for the four residents of a drafty little apartment on Johnson Street, such holiday traditions seemed nothing more than fairy tales. For, through a combination of poverty, circumstance, and plain old bad luck, these young gentlemen nearly saw their holiday dreams shattered like so many fallen ornaments.

Almost, but not quite. For although there would be no Yule log in the fireplace, a crackling blaze of another kind would come to warm the hearts of the hapless roommates. For, these four lucky friends had a guardian angel watching over them, and this is the heartwarming true story of how the weed delivery guy saved Christmas.

"Dude, I was so bummed when I found out my stupid supervisor scheduled me for first shift Christmas Eve," said Patrick Moynihan, 26, a "part-time musician and full-time phone drone." "I was like, 'Come on, I gotta go to Milwaukee to see my old man and watch the game.' He was like, 'Sorry man, life's rough. You should've remembered to ask off.'"

"It's not like Milwaukee's so great," Moynihan added, "but it beats spending Christmas alone in my shithole apartment."

But, in a turn of events Moynihan described as "X-Files-type shit," each of his remaining roommates—first Dirk, then Kleist, and finally even White Jimmy—watched their Christmas plans come undone, leaving the four housemates together in Madison on the night before Christmas.

"I was supposed to go home with this chick and meet her parents," said Dirk Udell, 24, a part-time bicycle-store clerk and bassist. "But we totally got into this huge fight the night before, and she was like, 'Sayonara, sweetheart.' Then Kleist got wasted and slept through his flight, and White Jimmy's credit card got turned down at the bus station, because he maxed it out on that amp he bought."

Individual heartbreak turned into collective joy when the roommates realized that they could have their own Christmas... together.

"We said, 'Fuck it,'" James "White Jimmy" Gaines said. "We were like, 'We have all the ingredients for old-time holiday cheer right here: some brews, the tube, and the Chinese place across the street that never closes on holidays.' We even cleaned the living room and washed the dishes. Then fate threw a monkey wrench."

"Dudes, it's a no go," Kleist said before delivering the bad news. "Carl totally flaked on us. He left for Michigan already."

The roommates' faces turned ashen: There would be no Christmas weed.

"I was, like, 'No way, man!'" Moynihan said. "Kleist even called all our friends, trying to find someone who was holding, but everyone was out of town. We tried to drum up some Christmas cheer, but there was no escaping the sad reality that the four of us had all this time to hang out, but no pot."

Disconsolate, the roommates went through the motions of scraping the bowl for resin. But, in their hearts, they knew that it wasn't enough to get them high. Peering out of the fourth-floor window, gazing at the municipal streetlight decorations below, they felt that Christmas had deserted them... Or had it?

After searching high and low with the help of his three determined roommates, Udell located the piece of paper containing the phone number given to him by his old stoner buddy Javier.

"Javier told me he hardly knows the dealer, but the guy always has really great shit and he comes right over," Udell said. "Kleist was all like, 'Who in their right mind is gonna be out delivering weed on Christmas Eve?' But I was like, 'What would it hurt to give the number a try?'"

"We were so psyched when he answered his cell on the second ring!" Udell added.

The roommates busily prepared for the weed guy's arrival by laying out Chips Ahoy cookies on paper plates, loading disks into the CD changer, and lovingly placing a new screen in the bong. All the while, they listened for the crunch-crunch-crunch of his footsteps on the snowy walk and the jingle-jangle-jingle of the Apt. 4-D buzzer. They even put the porch light on for the dude, so he'd feel welcome. And when, in less than an hour, the weed delivery guy showed up bearing a gift more precious than gold, the roommates' hearts soared with joy.

"That stranger brought us something so much better than any store-bought gift," Moynihan said. "I don't know his name—it's considered bad form to ask—but he taught us that Christmas wishes can come true, if you believe."

And so it was that the weed delivery guy—hardworking, dedicated, and discreet—saved Christmas in the nick of time.

"We may not have had a big tree and all that," Moynihan said. "And there wasn't eggnog dusted with nutmeg, 'cause the only time we ever had any nutmeg in the house was the time we tried to trip on it. Not recommended, by the way. But we had a happy Christmas all the same."

It wasn't long before all through the house, not a creature was stirring up off the couch. The boys opened the baggie and packed a bowl with delight, murmuring, "Happy Christmas, weed delivery guy. You did us one right."
[/b]

[GBA]

POLL: Americans feel safer with Martha Stewart in jail.

WASHINGTON, DC (Oct. 12)—According to a poll released by the Pew Research Center Monday, Americans "feel safer" with Martha Stewart in prison.

"Martha Stewart is a menace to society," said Jolene Lim, a receptionist from Baton Rouge, LA. "She sold nearly 4,000 shares of ImClone on an insider tip, then alleged her innocence in her own magazine. Thank God she's behind bars. Now I can sleep soundly at night."

Lim added: "I just couldn't ever feel at ease when I knew she was out there obstructing justice and making false statements to federal officials. Even talking about it gives me the shivers."

Of the 2,500 people polled, 22 percent said they "felt safer" and 41 percent said they "felt extremely relieved" when Stewart began serving her five-month sentence at West Virginia's Alderson Prison.

"When I found out [Stewart] was behind a 10-foot-thick concrete wall, I heaved a huge sigh of relief," said Daniel McAllen, a jeweler from Newark, NJ. "If she were on the streets, who knows what sort of business maneuvering she'd be up to behind closed doors?"

"I have a family to think of," McAllen added.

Boston-area teacher Helen Greene said she had been "afraid to leave the house" before the verdict in Stewart's trial was announced.

"Martha Stewart avoided losses of $45,000 by selling that stock," Greene said. "$45,000! If they didn't put her in jail for that, people would've taken to the streets! Outraged citizens would have broken windows, overturned cars, and set fire to the courthouse."

Even citizens who said they were only vaguely familiar with the Stewart case reported feeling safer after her conviction.

"I don't know the technical aspects of it, but I know that Martha Stewart did something with the stock market," Chicago welder Marvin Manckowicz said. "I'm not sure if she was selling her own stock or someone else's, but I do know that everyone said it was wrong. I breathed easier when I found out she wasn't going to be doing any more of that again for five months."

Of those polled, 62 percent said the five-month sentence was inadequate, with 46 percent of those believing that Stewart should have been imprisoned for 10 years or longer, and 3 percent expressing the belief that she should have received a life sentence.

Prosecutor Karen Patton Seymour said that, in addition to the five-month prison sentence, Stewart has been sentenced to five months of home confinement and two years of probation.

"Even after she's out of prison, she'll be kept under close watch," Seymour said. "No one is going to forget what she did."

[al-Canine]

Howdy, GodBlessAmerica... if we had greenies here, you would earn several just for this awesome thread! Thanks!

[exitwound]

Howdy, GodBlessAmerica... if we had greenies here, you would earn several just for this awesome thread! Thanks!

i'll second that! 8)

[GBA]

Thank ye kindly !
:D

[GBA]

ZAMBIA ELECTS BLACK PRESIDENT

ABUJA, ZAMBIA—In a historic triumph for Zambia's African-African community, Bilikisu Adewale, a 49-year-old black man, was elected president Monday.

"Today is a great day for the people of Zambia," Adewale told a cheering crowd in his 30-minute acceptance speech. "But even more so, today represents a tremendous victory for this nation's black citizens, who came to the polls in full force to put one of their own in power."

"I am overwhelmed," Adewale added. "This is truly precedented."

Addressing the largely black crowd, Adewale, who served as Zambia's Foreign Minister from 1998 to 2004, pledged to defend the interests of the nation's sizable black community. Among his chief campaign promises was to increase funding for schools in Zambia's inner cities, outer cities, and middle cities—areas with a high concentration of blacks.

"I grew up in an extremely poor, all-black section of Ndola and attended schools that were overcrowded and horribly equipped," Adewale said. "For many blacks of my generation, the experience was the same. I want every member of the current generation of black youths to read from new textbooks and learn in state-of-the-art facilities. We must leave no child behind."

As a further measure, Adewale said he planned to declare March "Black History Month." Throughout the month, he said, the nation will celebrate "the remarkable and oft-overlooked contributions of Zambians of color."

"Do you realize that in this nation of more than 10 million people, there is not a single black-history museum or black cultural center?" Adewale asked. "Did you know that at the University of Zambia, there are no black fraternities and no black student union? This must change. And it will, starting today."

But despite his optimism, Adewale cautioned that many daunting challenges lie ahead.

"Yes, this election is a great step forward for black Zambians," Adewale said. "But there is much work to be done: A shocking 50 percent of our nation's blacks earn an income below the national average. The ever-present specter of black-on-black violence continues to loom over our communities. Our prison population is virtually 100 percent black. And each year in Zambia, the dread disease of AIDS kills more blacks than all other ethnicities combined."


The Adewale win, which many are calling the greatest political victory for black Zambians since the previous election, did not come easily. Throughout the seven-month campaign, Adewale tirelessly canvassed the nation, targeting predominantly black areas in an effort to capture the highly coveted African-African vote. During speeches, Adewale frequently emphasized issues of special concern to black Zambians, including the economy, education, health care, and foreign policy.

As Adewale began to rise in the polls, his opponent, longtime Zambian parliamentary leader Nshange Oduma, also attempted to court black voters, visiting numerous black neighborhoods in Lusaka and Kabwe. But in the end, analysts said, such efforts proved too little, too late.

"The black vote is often the key to Zambian elections," said Bikot Ughegbe, a reporter for The Post, the country's leading independent newspaper. "If you can win their support, you have an excellent chance of winning the presidency. Oduma simply waited too long to focus on black voters, and that cost him dearly."

The election now over, attention is turning to Adewale's cabinet nominations, which he is expected to begin announcing as early as Friday. Already, rumors are swirling that Adewale will tap Bitek Kashoba, a high-ranking black general, for Minister of Defense. In addition, the new president is believed to be strongly considering Nolo Okoye, also black, for Minister of Transportation.

Throughout the presidential campaign, Adewale promised that, if elected, he would appoint a significant number of majorities to his cabinet, creating "a government that looks like Zambia."

[GBA]

Racial Harmony Achieved By Casting Of Black Actor As Teen Computer Whiz

BURBANK, CA—The long-standing economic, political and social divisions between blacks and whites in America at long last ended Monday with a TV producer's casting of a black actor in a bit part as a teen computer-whiz archetype.

Actor Darrell Goodwin, who was recently cast in a bit part as a teen computer whiz on a new NBC series, ending racism in the U.S.
Though racial equality had, throughout U.S. history, been seen as little more than a distant dream, TV producer Fern Blochner—co-producer of such popular daytime teen "dramedies" as Crestwood Daze and Chillin' Out In Study Hall—made that dream a reality when it came time to cast her newest series, My Home Ate My Dogwork, airing Saturday mornings on NBC.

"You wouldn't normally think a black kid would be running a high-school computer lab, but we have one doing just that," Blochner said of her show, whose uplifting and dignified portrayal of black youths in America is being widely credited for the sudden flowering of racial justice and harmony across the nation. "Our casting decision boldly defies the societal stereotype that black people are not smart enough to run high-school computer labs."

Shortly after the airing of the premiere episode of My Home Ate My Dogwork—in which the computer-whiz character is clearly visible in the background in no fewer than three separate scenes—the barriers of poverty, crime, and lack of equal access to education that have kept America's blacks at a disadvantage came crashing down.

"I'll admit, I was a bit shocked when I found out I got the part," said Darrell Goodwin, the 17-year-old actor who plays the computer whiz. "I thought to myself, 'The computer lab... run by a black kid? How could this be?' Then I realized that the casting decision deliberately defied society's racist expectations, expectations that I myself had bought into by doubting myself."

Though Blochner and her associates said they had reservations about the controversial casting decision, particularly regarding how others in the traditionally white entertainment industry would react, they held fast to their conviction that the teen computer whiz should be black.

"We were worried that institutional, internalized racism on the part of industry executives might manifest itself in the form of opposition to our casting decision," Blochner said. "But we stood our ground, and, as a result, such closed-mindedness is now a thing of the past."

Blochner said she came up with the idea to make the computer-whiz character black while doing background research for the show.

"We wanted our show to be as accurate as possible, so we spent some time at New Trier High School in the affluent Chicago suburb of Winnetka to ensure authenticity," Blochner said. "But after a few days at the school, we noticed a disturbing and unfair aspect of the upscale high school's student demographic: There were no blacks."

"We were very concerned that the high school had no black students, and that none of the students at the school had ever known any blacks, and that there were no blacks living anywhere within the neighborhoods zoned for the school," Blochner continued. "We said to ourselves, 'This is unfair!' and were determined to change reality for the better. So we decided that in our fictional version of the school, we would put in a black kid, and we'd make it seem like he's smart, too."

Noted sociologist Edwin Hull explained how the producers of My Home Ate My Dogwork were able to bring about racial equality in the U.S.

"By boldly envisioning a world in which African Americans possess the socioeconomic wherewithal not only to attend a high school like New Trier, but actually to run the computer lab therein, this television program created a 'positive media portrayal' of African Americans," Hull said. "This proactive portrayal of a positive African-American role model boosted the collective self-esteem of the nation's African-American community, thus establishing racial harmony at last."

Hull noted that this strategy was similar to the one used by the 1998 Environmental Media Awards, at which episodes of Baywatch and The X-Files featuring pro-environment themes were credited with last year's spontaneous healing of the ozone layer and the return of several dozen long-extinct species to the global ecosystem.

[GBA]

Supreme Court plans to split if Rehnquist leaves

WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to widespread speculation, members of the U.S. Supreme Court told reporters Monday that they will not continue to hear cases if Chief Justice William Rehnquist, 80, steps down.

"It just wouldn't be the same court without Bill," Justice David Souter said. "He's the heart and soul of this judicature, the one who motivates us to keep ruling. I can't imagine doing it without him."

In October, Rehnquist, who has served on the Supreme Court for 33 years, announced that he has thyroid cancer. The statement led some to speculate that he will not complete his annual term.

"The Supreme Court is a middle-aged man's game," Rehnquist told Law and Justice magazine in November 1997. "I can't see myself swinging the gavel at 90. I just don't have the stamina."


At an informal hearing held in Justice Steven J. Breyer's kitchen in December, the Supreme Court voted 7 to 1 in favor of breaking up, with Justice Antonin Scalia abstaining from the vote. Rehnquist was the sole dissenting voice.

"Bill kept arguing that no matter what happened, the Supreme Court should continue," Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said. "It was touching to see how much faith he has in us, but I think the majority opinion is in favor of quitting while we're on top, rather than muddling through a bunch of mediocre judicial sessions and becoming some sort of kangaroo court."

Continued O'Connor, "The hardest thing to achieve with a judicial body as large as ours is a rapport. To effectively interpret the law, you need that certain magical something. Without Rehnquist, we'll lose that vibe."

Justice Anthony Kennedy agreed.

"Maybe you have to be sitting on the bench to understand, but there's something special about Rehnquist," Kennedy said. "You can feel the electricity fill the air as soon as the court marshal calls out, 'Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! All persons having business before the Honorable, the Supreme Court of the United States are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the court is now sitting.'"

While he was not appointed chief justice until 1986, Rehnquist has appeared on more television shows and in more magazines than any justice in the history of the Supreme Court.

"Rehnquist's been the court's spiritual leader since being sworn in in 1972," Souter said. "Right now, the Supreme Court is the most powerful legal body in the country. I think we'd all prefer to go down in the books that way."

Bernard Tomaine, publisher of the Supreme Court fanzine The Docket, characterized Rehnquist's role as "essential."

"When Rehnquist leaves, it's going to be the end of an era," Tomaine said. "He's absolutely irreplaceable."

Added Tomaine: "I've got a bootleg copy of an opinion that Rehnquist wrote for U.S. v. Verdugo-Urquidez that would blow your mind."

Although the associate justices have yet to announce their plans following the dissolution of the Supreme Court, Tomaine said he believes that many will continue on with solo judiciary projects.

"I don't think they're ready to give up interpreting the law just yet," Tomaine said. "I wouldn't be surprised if a number of these justices get together and start something very similar to the Supreme Court, but under a different name. I heard that Scalia wants to set up a new organization under the name 'The U.S. Supreme Court featuring Antonin Scalia.' Personally, I think it's very disrespectful to use the name of that honorable institution, but I suppose it's his right."

While no definitive time frame has been established for Rehnquist's departure, many speculate that it will be soon.

"Swearing in Bush for his second term will be a big moment," Tomaine said. "Unless he's got something up his sleeve for [terrorism suspect Zacarias] Moussaoui's trial, he'll probably leave right after the inauguration. I can't see Rehnquist going out on a quiet note. That's just not his style."

Although the justices' resolve seems strong, some fans of the Supreme Court say the eight justices will change their minds after Rehnquist leaves.

"This is not the first time a government branch has threatened to quit for personal reasons," said Henry Loghermann, a prominent Washington D.C. historian and Supreme Court groupie. "Take the Department of the Interior in the '80s. They kept saying that if James Watt left, they'd all go their separate ways. Well, Watt left, and the DOI is still going strong. And I can't even count how many times the British House of Lords has broken up and reformed in the past 50 years. When the harsh reality sets in, the high court will see what few options they have and cut the bluster."

[GBA]

U.S. children still traumatized one year after seeing partially exposed breast on tv


WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation approaches the one-year anniversary of the Super Bowl XXXVIII tragedy, an FCC study shows that millions of U.S. children were severely traumatized by the exposure to a partially nude female breast during the Feb. 1, 2004 halftime show.


"No one who lived through that day is likely to forget the horror," said noted child therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "But it was especially hard on the children."

The tragic wardrobe malfunction occurred approximately 360 days ago, during Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake's performance of "Rock Your Body," when Timberlake tore Jackson's costume, accidentally revealing her right breast.

"By the time CBS cut to an aerial view of the stadium, the damage was done," said Wasserbaum, who has also worked extensively with orphaned and amputee children in Third World war zones. "I've found that children can be amazingly resilient, but this event was too much for many of them to take. The horrible image of that breast is likely to haunt them for the rest of their lives."

According to the 500-page report filed by the FCC, more than 90 percent of the children who saw the exposed breast said they were "confused and afraid."

"Mommy has dirty chest bumps," said a 5-year-old boy quoted in one of the thousands of case studies compiled by the FCC. "She's like the bad lady on TV. I'm afraid Mommy will take off her shirt and scare everyone. I hate Mommy."

Girls were traumatized as well, often expressing apprehensions about sexual development. According to Wasserbaum, one 8-year-old girl told her parents that she didn't "want to get evil breasts."

Wasserbaum said children of both genders associate their trauma with footballs, presumably because of the context in which they were exposed to the breast.

A great number of children who witnessed the tragedy are still plagued by nightmares of sun-shapes that recall Jackson's nipple ring. Of the infants who saw the breast, 76 percent are unwilling to breast feed or use a bottle, forcing their parents to nourish them intravenously.

"When the tragedy took place, we knew it would cause psychological trauma, but we had no idea how long the effects would last," Wasserbaum said."Our worst fears have been confirmed. It will take years to repair the damage."

Cases of deviant sexual development induced by breast-glimpsing are widespread amongst older children. Pathologies range from schoolyard exhibitionism to gender-role confusion and violent shirt-tearing.

"The FCC imposed the maximum $27,500 penalty on each of the 20 CBS-owned television stations," Wasserbaum said. "But the government offered no recompense to the individuals exposed to the breast. And neither Jackson nor Timberlake has ever specifically apolgized to the children whose lives they ruined, or donated a penny for the adolescents' psychiatric care."

Across America, parental concern over the condition doctors have dubbed Nearly Naked Breast Disorder continues to grow.

"How can my son Brandon be expected to make it through something like that unscathed?" asked mother of four Shonali Bhomik of the San Francisco-based What About the Children? Foundation, one of many social-awareness groups spearheading the fight for increased NNBD funding in Congress. "For approximately 1.5 seconds, he saw a breast. The image was seared into his innocent, tiny retinas. He can't close his eyes without replaying the whole ugly scene over and over in his little head."

"For the love of God—that breast was almost nude," Bhomik added.

Bhomik said she has concerns about her son's development.

"I shudder to think how this could affect my son once he reaches puberty," Bhomik said. "Little Brandon just wanted to watch the fun halftime show with his family. He was only 10 years old."

Bhomik is one of millions of people facing every parent's worst nightmare: that their child will see a partially exposed breast.

Wasserbaum said there is no way to predict whether the children will recover.

"One thing is certain," Wasserbaum said. "For us as a nation, the horrific consequences of almost-nakedness have only just begun to make themselves apparent."

Wasserbaum added that children who saw the televised breast in Europe, Australia, and various other nations throughout the world were somehow unaffected by the sight.

[GBA]

180 trillion leisure hours lost to work in 2004

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by Boston University's School of Lifestyle Management, more than 180 trillion leisure hours were lost to work in 2004.


Above: A Detroit resident spends valuable leisure hours at an auto plant.
"The majority of American adults find work cutting into the middle of their days—exactly when leisure is most effective," said Adam Bernhardt, the Boston University sociology professor who headed the study. "The hours between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. are ideally suited to browsing stores, dozing in front of the television, and finishing the morning paper. Daytime hours are also the warmest and sunniest of the day, making them perfect for outdoor activities. Unfortunately, most Americans can't enjoy leisure during this time, for the simple reason that they're 'at work.'"

In addition to surveying 12,000 citizens nationwide, researchers studied data from seven different government agencies.

Deborah Kletter, an expert in the field of rest and relaxation, emphasized the pervasive nature of the problem, which she said affects 96 percent of employable Americans year-round.

"Week after week of potential relaxation time is squandered to jobs, with millions of would-be leisurers prohibited from sleeping in, working on hobbies, or taking trips," said Kletter, executive director of the Five-To-Nine Foundation. "An average employed person's ability to stroll aimlessly around his town and 'do whatever' is basically nonexistent 49 weeks out of the year."

Kletter said there is a vast disparity between the U.S. and Europe, where a strong leisure ethic is taught during youth.

"Americans simply can't keep up with the European leisure force," Kletter said. "In such fields as suntanning, skiing, and cooking elaborate meals that can be eaten over the course of an entire evening, Europe has us beat."

[EbolaMonkey]

My two favourite Onion Headlines:

Canada, India resolve border dispute



Ghost of Christmas Future taunts children with Playstation5

[Pispas]

Not quite from the infamous onion, but ....

MAN SUES McDONALDS AND PARIS HILTON FOR MAKING HIM FAT AND STUPID

47.2 Million Fat, Stupid Americans May Join Suit

In what many legal experts are already calling a landmark case, an Illinois man today sued McDonald’s and hotel heiress Paris Hilton for making him, in his words, “fat and stupid.”

Davis Hopewell, 37, alleges in his legal complaint that he was of average weight and intelligence before eating a steady diet of McDonald’s food and watching Paris Hilton’s reality show “The Simple Life.”

But after several months of ingesting both, Mr. Hopewell said, “I became the fat and stupid person I am today.”

According to the complaint, Mr. Hopewell said that he attempted on several occasions to change the channel to something other than Ms. Hilton’s television program, but was unable to do so because he became winded when he reached for the remote.

While Mr. Hopewell’s legal action is thought to be the first of its kind, legal experts believe that it could become a major class-action lawsuit if an estimated 47.2 million fat and stupid Americans hold McDonald’s and Paris Hilton responsible for their condition.

In an official response, McDonald’s spokesman Leeza Renfroe said that the company would argue that Mr. Hopewell was well on his way to being both fat and stupid before he was exposed to their product.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Ms. Hilton said that the hotel heiress will most likely employ the so-called “whatever” defense, meaning that she will reply to all questions in court by saying, “Whatever.”

Elsewhere, in yet another video hoax, the CIA now believes that the last tape of Osama bin Laden was actually Hokey Pokey Elmo.

[GBA]

Grease Fire Rages Through Midwest
April 25, 2006

MILWAUKEE—A raging grease fire has spread across the southern half of Wisconsin and into the neighboring states of Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota, killing at least eight and leaving hundreds injured or missing after the intense heat and acrid odor of charred pork and cheese-filled breading overwhelmed the region.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Grea se-Fire-C.jpg
Arm & Hammer donated 100,000 pounds of baking soda to help extinguish the massive blaze.

Six of the dead reportedly tried to put out the grease flames with water, causing the fire to spread; two others perished after running back into their burning homes to save bacon still cooking on their stoves.

By Tuesday evening, more than 700,000 acres of Midwestern greaseland—including tens of thousands of patio grills, outdoor beer gardens, supper-club kitchens, and barbecue pits—had been destroyed in the blaze.

Beloit, WI Fire Chief Paul Tolley said the fire was spreading faster than crews could react.

"The main problem is it's being fed at every turn. The homes and businesses here are oversaturated with corn dogs, melted cheese, and any number of deep-fried items," Tolley said. "Every time we think we have it under control, it hits a Hardee's and everything turns to chaos."

Officials said the grease blaze began after a Dodgeville, WI resident attempted to submerge an entire 21-pound turkey in a makeshift deep fryer Sunday. The fire then leapt rapidly from pancake house to pancake house, intensifying when flames reached a dense patch of diners at the peak of the brunch rush, which Dodgeville Fire Chief Ed Bouchard called "the worst possible timing."

"With the fact that the nearby park was still greasy from Saturday's brat fest, the situation quickly turned ugly," Bouchard said. "My crews simply did not have the baking-soda reserves to contain it."

The fire fanned out in all directions from the area, cutting a swath through truck stops, doughnut shops, and even mini-golf concession stands.

While most residents have fled to leaner ground, some have stayed behind to coat their homes in a flour, egg, and milk mixture in the hopes that it will protect the interior from the flames.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who recommended that citizens only deep-fry when absolutely necessary, said Tuesday that the fire could "cripple the economic and meal-time power of Illinois and the rest of America's Grease Belt for a generation."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Grea se-Fire-B.jpg
Crews maneuver a giant pan lid in hopes of containing the fire in a kielbasa field outside Chicago.

Experts have warned for years that the region was overdue for a disaster of this kind, saying that decades of poor grease management and a culture of fried and heavily buttered food created a highly incendiary "grease core" spread across thousands of homes, restaurants, and offices. Landfills overflowing with greasy waxed paper and cardboard only added to the danger.

"It would have taken enormous discipline and fortitude on the part of Midwesterners to change their combustible eating habits," said Iowa State University Professor of animal-rendering sciences Anita Close. "Unfortunately, these are unrealistic expectations."

Officials say the lack of rain has helped contain the blaze, but are worried that even light showers passing over the area could be disastrous.

"This fire could very well spatter south into the heart of fried-chicken and waffle country, or up to the cheesesteak districts of the Northeast," Tolley said. "If that happens, God help us all."

[Winter]

Something smells in here!

[GBA]

Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs
May 3, 2006

MEXICO CITY—As dozens of major American corporations continue to move their manufacturing operations to Mexico, waves of job-seeking Mexican immigrants to the United States have begun making the deadly journey back across the border in search of better-paying Mexican-based American jobs.

"I came to this country seeking the job I sought when I first left this country," said Anuncio Reyes, 22, an undocumented worker who recrossed the U.S. border into Mexico last month, three years after leaving Mexico for the United States to work as an agricultural day laborer. "I spent everything I had to get back here. Yes, it was dangerous, and I miss my home. But as much as I love America, I have to go where the best American jobs are."

Reyes now works as a spot-welder on the assembly line of a Maytag large-appliance plant and earns $22 a day, most of which he sends back to his family in the U.S., who in turn send a portion of that back to the original family they left in Mexico. Like many former Mexican-Americans forced by circumstance to become American-Mexicans, Reyes dreams of one day bringing his relatives to Mexico so that they, too, may secure American employment in Mexico.

Despite the considerable risk illegal immigrants face in returning across the border, many find the lure of large U.S. factory salaries hard to resist—at 15 percent of the pay of corresponding jobs in America, these positions pay three times what Mexican jobs do.

Still, the danger is very real. When 31-year-old illegal Arizona resident Ignacio Jimenez sought employment at an American plant in Mexico, he was shot at by Mexican border guards as he attempted to illegally enter the country of his citizenship, pursued by U.S. immigration officials who thought he might be entering the country illegally, and fired upon again by a second group of U.S. Border Patrol agents charged with keeping valuable table-busing and food-delivery personnel inside American borders.

"It was a nightmare," Jimenez said. "Many became disoriented and panicked, and some were mixed in with immigrants going the other way across the Rio Grande and ended up swimming to the wrong country."

He added: "My cousin almost drowned. They fished him out and sent him back to wash dishes at T.G.I. Friday's."

Many say the trip across the border as illegal Mexican-American emigrants offers them a chance to land the American jobs in Mexico they never have been able to get as illegal Mexican-American immigrants in the U.S.

"It has always been my goal to have a good American job," Johnson Controls technician Camilla Torres, 27, said. "Many Mexicans now see Mexico as the land of opportunity. Mexicans will not stop trying to get here, no matter how much the Mexicans wish we would not."

Indeed, the trend of illegal re-emigration is causing great resentment among the local Mexican population, and tension between Mexicans and illegally re-entered Mexicans—dubbed repatriados—continues to build.

"I hate these Mexicans, always coming back here to Mexico from America and taking American jobs from the Mexicans who stayed in Mexico," said 55-year-old former Goodyear factory manager Juan-Miguel Diaz, who lost his job to a better-trained repatriado last March. "Why don't they go back to where they went to?"

Still, Jimenez, Reyes, and hundreds of others say they have no choice.

"The American Dream is alive and well in Mexico," Reyes said. "If I work hard, save my money, and plan well, I will be able to send my children to a good school—and who knows? If they study hard, perhaps they will get jobs someday at the new plant General Motors is building in China."

[exitwound]

Something smells in here!

:weed: :moose: :weed:

[GBA]

Oil Executives March On D.C
May 15, 2006

WASHINGTON, DC—More than 1,000 majority shareholders and executive officers from the nation's largest oil companies gathered in the National Mall and marched to Capitol Hill Monday in a mass demonstration for petrochemical corporations' rights and, according to several of those who attended, "to let our voices be heard at last."

"We're American citizens, and we demand to be part of the national dialogue," said John S. Watson, vice president of international exploration and production for Chevron Corporation, the world's second-largest oil company. "Many people in our industry think nobody in Washington cares about us, and that our opinions don't matter. We're here today to change that."

Guest speakers, including folk-singing lobbyist Anne Novotny, international drilling-rights activist Bill Marshall, and several Saudi princes, focused on the need to extend subsidies to offshore drilling efforts, grant tax breaks for the construction of new refineries, and stop oppressive environmental regulation.

But the real message of the protest was more personal: To demonstrators, the oil industry is unappreciated and even persecuted by large segments of the public who only want them for the gasoline they sell. Protesters hoisted signs reflecting this sentiment, bearing such slogans as "Enough Is Enough," "Power To The Petroleum-Producing People," "Texaco-American Pride," and "I'm Pro-Oil And I Vote."

"Politicians are supposed to work for everyone," said Red Cavaney, president of the American Petroleum Institute. "For years, they've pretended like we didn't even exist. But today, with this many people from the oil industry right here in our nation's capital, we're sending an undeniably strong message."

Oil executives traveled from as far as Irving, TX to attend the event. Some, such as Exxon Mobil chairman and CEO Rex W. Tillerson, said they were missing important board meetings and sacrificing as much as three days of vacation time just to be among their fellow oilmen.

"You can't ignore us any longer, America," a flag-draped Tillerson said. "Get used to us, because we refuse to stand in silence. From now on, the power brokers in Washington will sit up and listen."

The march, which took place just after lunchtime, was limited to a strict route, and was closely monitored by hundreds of DC police in riot gear. Authorities reported no arrests or instances of violence, even after a tense moment when some protesters chanting "Members of the board will not be ignored!" passed a security barricade and crossed Pennsylvania Avenue.

"Today is the day my American oil comrades and I stand together as one and announce that this is our country, too," said BP Global's chief financial officer, Byron Grote, who oversaw British Petroleum's acquisition of ARCO, SOHIO, Amoco, and Vastar in 2000. "None of us in international oil production are looking for special treatment. We just want a fair shake. That's what democracy is all about."

Organizers applauded the peaceful protest as a "positive first step in governmental–petrochemical coalition-building." But the systemic marginalization of one minority group—in this case, Big Oil CEOs—by those in power can make it difficult to get past feelings of bitterness and resentment, said corporate-disenfranchisement expert Jonathan Foner.

"They feel like they've just been shouting into the wilderness," Foner said. "So today, many of them were hoping that if they spoke loudly and clearly enough through their bullhorns into the wilderness, those in power would listen to them."

ConocoPhillips CEO J.J. Mulva was scheduled to deliver a speech about civil disobedience, but called it off at the last minute due to unspecified medical complications. His brother, Exxon Mobil controller P.T. Mulva, said "heartbreak" is what kept the older sibling at home.

"The oil business is a labor of love for our family, and J.J.'s been fighting for our rights for years," Mulva said. "When he heard that the marchers would not be permitted to pass the White House due to security issues, it was more than he could take. That really broke his spirit."

President Bush, vacationing at his Crawford, TX ranch, released a statement Tuesday morning expressing his respect for the protesters' right to free speech, saying America "tolerates diverse viewpoints."

"The people have a right to protest in this country, but my administration is not going to be intimidated by the opinions of an outspoken few," Bush said.

[Electric]

:lmfao: :mrgreen: :weed:

Are you going to keep that source for yourself, or did you just make that up?

Well, whoever wrote it - :clap: :muahaha:

The story about the Mexicans... :hmmmm: Well, it could happen!:toothless:

[GBA]

:lmfao: :mrgreen: :weed:

Are you going to keep that source for yourself, or did you just make that up?

Well, whoever wrote it - :clap: :muahaha:

The story about the Mexicans... :hmmmm: Well, it could happen!:toothless:

It's from the Onion, a weekly parody newspaper, it's a hoot !
http://www.theonion.com/content/index

:lmfao:

[GBA]

Chinese Employers To Grant 15-Minute Maternity Break
May 23, 2006

DONGGUAN, CHINA—In response to international criticism of Chinese workplace inequity and labor rights, China's National Labor Committee agreed Monday to establish an unpaid 15-minute break during the regular 18-hour workday, to allow pregnant women to "expel the child from their body, adjust to being a new parent, wash their hands, and return to work."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Chin ese-Employers.jpg
Workers silently celebrate the new guidelines during a company-sanctioned "moment of appreciation."
"During the last moments of childbirth, a female employee's productivity diminishes sharply," said Shanghai toy-factory owner Huang Wei, who noted that even the slightest whimper of pain or sight of a newborn's head as it crowns can distract an entire assembly line from the job at hand. "These women need a few minutes to rest and recuperate before returning to sew eyes onto stuffed animals in an efficient and satisfactory manner."

"Of course, this measure wouldn't need to be taken at all if pregnant workers could schedule their due dates for the annual holiday of May 1," Huang added.

When her contractions are coming at such short intervals that she is physically unable to attach a Barbie head, the female worker must report to the factory's lone bathroom stall, located four flights up from the assembly line. Once there, she is instructed to deliver the child within five minutes, which allows her sufficient time to get hosed down with hot water and mop up the surrounding area so that others do not slip in the afterbirth.

To prevent abuse of privileges, this 15-minute period also incorporates the one weekly bathroom break all workers are allotted.

Initial response among female workers has been positive, with most women preferring the new rule over the old one, which stipulated that the newborn child must remain where it lands on the floor until the woman's shift ends.

"Even though this maternity break means I will lose three of my 12 cents for that hour, it will be worth it just to hold my baby in my arms for a few precious seconds," said pregnant seamstress Yuen Yin, 19, just after her factory's quitting whistle blew at 2:47 a.m.

Despite the new, broadened time allotment, expectant employees are encouraged to speed the birthing process by breaking the amniotic-sac membranes themselves. The expectant mother will be responsible for thoroughly sanitizing every affected area, and will also be discouraged from using factory instruments such as tongs to facilitate the birthing process, unless it is the only means through which she can remove the baby before the allotted 15 minutes elapse. The new mother would then be docked three days' pay to replace the implement.

The Labor Committee also instituted an incentive plan granting a 40-cent bonus to any employee expecting a daughter who opts to use her 15 minutes to receive an abortion in the factory's storage closet.

Songgang shoe-factory owner Xiao Jianqi said he had considered adopting some of Micronesia's more liberal maternity policies, including an additional three minutes off for twins, 35 "personal minutes" for the child's first year, and a towel to wrap the infant in. But he decided that the new regulations were enough, and he did not want to give female workers more reason to agitate.

"If these Chinese employees' work ethic is any indication, I strongly believe these maternity breaks will go quickly and smoothly for the mother and the child, and that once the 15 minutes are up, both of them will return to the assembly line to continue working," Xiao added.

[GBA]

Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2
May 24, 2006

WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that United Airlines Flight 43, which crashed outside Parkersburg, WV last Thursday, was in fact brought down by passengers who voluntarily sacrificed their lives in order to prevent the screening of the in-flight movie selection, Big Momma's House 2.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Pass engers.jpg
Crews search the crash site, just hours after Flight 43 went down.
All 105 people onboard died in the crash.

"As we examine the passengers' cell-phone calls and flight recordings, we get a sense of the incredible courage displayed by these ordinary men and women," said FAA Administrator Marion Blakey at a press conference Monday, during which excerpts from the recordings were played. "They acted in the only way they could to stop this unspeakable horror starring Martin Lawrence as an FBI agent who goes undercover as a nanny for a sexy murder suspect."

"These people are true American heroes," Blakey added.

Flight 43 left New York's LaGuardia Airport on schedule last Thursday at 10:17 a.m. en route to Los Angeles with no indication of any suspiciously bad entertainment activity aboard. Black-box evidence indicates that, 40 minutes after takeoff, the crew walked through the cabin and asked passengers to close their window screens. The audio recording goes eerily quiet after a flight attendant can be heard announcing that Big Momma's House 2 would be shown.

"It will be days, months perhaps, before we have a complete picture of exactly what happened," said FAA crash investigator Matthew Roberts, whose team was given the unpleasant job of analyzing Flight 43's last moments. "But we know that the passengers somehow assembled toward the rear of the cabin without attracting attention to themselves—which couldn't have been easy, considering the tense silence that typically accompanies a Big Momma's House film—and decided that they would rather die than let anyone do this to them."

Around 11:00, business-class passenger Charles Rice left an emotional message on the cell-phone voicemail of his fiancée, Kathi Kearney.

"Honey, it's me," Rice said in one of the excerpts. "I… God. Listen, they've darkened the cabin, and they've started showing Big Momma's House 2. The second one, I mean, and it… it's pretty bad. This might not go well, honey. A bunch of us are going to try to stop them. I have to go, we're going to go now. God, I am so sorry. You know I love you."

Although Roberts said they may never determine who acted first or how the passengers organized their resistance to the brutally awful comedy, it is believed that all onboard were united in their need to stop the movie from being shown. In an amazing coincidence, at least one other person aboard Flight 43 had actually survived a screening of the original Big Momma's House on an international flight in 2001, which may have given them impetus to act.

"It seems clear that, from the opening moments of the film, they knew exactly how it had to end—either 99 minutes later as Martin Lawrence's excruciating mugging brought it all to a heinous conclusion, or with the deaths of everyone aboard," Roberts said. "We can only hope that we would act with the same bravery and conscientiousness if presented with the same situation."

Cabin recordings seem to indicate that a refreshment cart was used to charge the attendant station at the front of the aircraft at a decisive moment in the film in which a sexy potential villain asks Lawrence's character for help removing her bra. Much of the recording is incoherent, but Blakey played a 15-second segment in which some of the flight attendants can be heard exhorting passengers to remain seated while others seemed to be voicing second thoughts.

"Clearly, the passengers were facing well-trained hard-liners intent on doing as much damage as they could," said Blakey, gesturing to the charred, partially melted Big Momma's House 2 DVD case found in the wreckage as evidence. "When they found the hospitality station locked down and secured as per airline policy, the only choice they had left was to infiltrate the cockpit."

One last garbled transmission was made from Flight 43 just before it disappeared from air-traffic control's monitors. Though the FAA has not released it publicly, Blakey confirmed that the passengers can be clearly heard reciting the Lord's Prayer over the scream of the engines and the high falsetto shriek of a female-impersonating Martin Lawrence.

Plans are already underway to honor the victims by presenting them with the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, a $4 million memorial in the West Virginia field where Flight 43 crashed, and a proposed Spring 2007 release of Flight 43, a big-budget action comedy-drama starring Chris Tucker as Martin Lawrence.

[GBA]

Pope Makes First Papal Visit To Six Flags
June 14, 2006

EUREKA, MO—Pope Benedict XVI returned to Rome today following a historic, three-day trip to Six Flags St. Louis, the first official papal visit to a major American theme park since Pope Paul VI's Thanksgiving Mass at Wet 'n Wild in August 1966.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Pope-Makes.jpg
Pope Benedict XVI returns from a "fucking awesome" trip on the XCalibur.

As the park opened its doors to the general public last Friday, the pope emerged from the last car of the Foghorn Leghorn National Park Railway to greet the throngs of people who had assembled hours earlier for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to pay their respects to the blessed pontiff and to vie for a seat on Superman Tower of Power, a popular free-fall ride.

The pope began his visit with a brief sermon delivered from the balcony of the Old Glory Amphitheatre, and blessed the park's many concession-stand workers who "provide sustenance for our brethren seeking to beat the heat."

"My friends in Christ, as we stand together today among this unusually large weekday crowd, I urge you and your children to exercise the twin virtues of faith and patience, for unto those who wait will come great rewards and monstrous thrills," the pontiff told those in line for the Screamin' Eagle roller coaster.

The pope was honored in a special ceremony outside the Warner Bros. Backlot, in which he was presented with a complimentary season pass, good for free entry at any Six Flags or Hurricane Harbor until August 31.

"I am pleased to announce to His Holiness, the Vicar of Christ, Pope Benedict XVI, that from this day forward, June 9 will forever be known as Pope Day at Six Flags St. Louis," said Shazam! ride-operator Gary Moynihan as he lowered the safety bar over the pope's lap and locked it into place. "Now, prepare to be scrambled!"

The pope took an aerial tour via Sky Tram to Goodtimes Square later on Friday, where he was greeted by Six Flags dignitaries Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, and the Tasmanian Devil. The trio of characters went on to sign an apostolic exhortation on the role of bishops, a Vatican concordat with Six Flags St. Louis, and the pope's personal autograph book.

The pontiff also posed for an official portrait by celebrated Six Flags caricature artist Trevor Doogan. The work depicted Benedict in his robes, mitre, and Rollerblades. The pope also celebrated a special midday Mass, in which the capacity-plus crowds received communion and cotton candy.


The pope joins a Six Flags ambassador on a tour of the grounds.
Early Saturday morning, Benedict delivered a children's prayer in Looney Tunes Town, in which he urged "courage, resolve, and strength of stomach when you come face to face with the temptation of XCalibur," and stressed that they should all "honor thy mother and father, who paid the ultimate price for your $45 day pass."

"If you are a child over 54 inches tall, your covenant with fun compels you to check out Batman the Ride," the pope added.

On the third day of the papal visit, bystanders witnessed what some called a minor miracle when Benedict reunited a lost four-year-old boy with his parents. "Today, a young wayward sheep has strayed from his flock, "the pope announced over the park's P.A. system. "But by the grace of God, he has been found safe and unharmed, and can be picked up at Porky's Pavilion."

According to Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls, Benedict accomplished everything he set out to do during the three days, with the exception of a much-anticipated visit to Colossus, the 18-story Ferris wheel, which the Holy Father canceled at the last moment for unspecified reasons.

"This is truly a special part of the world, and my time at Six Flags brought me closer to God—particularly when I was suspended in midair at the peak of Mr. Freeze," said the pope, his hair tousled, his face and the back of his neck severely sunburned, and his long, flowing robes soaked with water from the Big Kahuna raft ride. "But there is still much more to be done, and I have a feeling that God will call me here again very soon."

[GBA]

Baggage-Handling Mix-Up Sends Dirty Bomb To St. Louis
June 26, 2006


NEW YORK—Even in the air-conditioned confines of New York's John F. Kennedy Airport back on June 14, Abu Basir Yousef was sweating.




His sole piece of luggage—a black duffel bag—was lost upon his arrival in New York.

Despite hours of waiting, and several U.S. Airways check-in counter workers and Transportation Security Administration screeners joining in the search, the Yemen-born 32-year-old had yet to hear any positive updates. Finally, a baggage claim representative approached him.

"Afraid I've got some bad news," the worker said to Yousef.

Airline personnel had searched the plane, the tarmac, and the gate, but were still unable to locate his bag containing his homemade dirty bomb.

"My trip was ruined," Yousef said. "But Allah will right this wrong."

Most Americans have grown accustomed to inconvenience in the name of security, be it color-coded anxieties or metal detectors at public libraries. But al-Qaeda member Yousef lived a nightmare scenario that would cause even the most frequent of flyers to shudder.

After a cramped, twice-delayed U.S. Airways flight that he said would be "the last of my life," Yousef sat and stared for hours at an empty, rotating baggage carousel at JFK, searching in vain for his expensive and fragile cargo, unaware that it was currently being routed and re-routed around the country.

Over the next three days, it would arrive at virtually every major domestic destination—except for its intended one, New York—and eventually wind up among the Father's Day gifts and matching bags in Lambert-St. Louis International Airport.

According to U.S. Airways, the luggage lingered in St. Louis after an unscheduled side trip to Dallas, a short stint in Charlotte, NC and even a surprise UPS delivery to a suburban home in Michigan.

When informed that somebody had mistakenly taken his luggage home, opened it, and called the airline, who returned it—two days later—to Detroit's Metro Airport, Yousef could only shake his head.

"The U.S. truly is the Great Satan," he said.

His case is but one among thousands. In a busy summer season with multiple new security regulations, baggage blunders like this leave travelers like Yousef with no choice but to shrug and laugh at their all-too-common horror stories.

But the sheer number of unintentional side-trips taken by this particular radioactive weapon forced U.S. Airways' Vice President For Consumer Affairs Bryce Fox to admit that "baggage mishandling history" may have been made.

"We sincerely apologize to Mr. Yousef for sending his explosive device to St. Louis—eventually," Fox said, chuckling. "Had we paid a little more attention, we would have definitely known St. Louis was not this bomb's final destination. At least we can say that it was not damaged, or really even touched, by TSA staff."

By the 22nd, over a week since Yousef discovered his bomb was missing, the duffel bag finally reached JFK. Yet even an attempt to contact him at his Bronx home about its arrival proved a comedy of errors. A mispronunciation of Yousef's name in the baggage claim office resulted in the bag being returned to another traveler in the airport that day—air marshal Abe Joseph.

"I took one look inside and realized that somebody was probably pretty upset to be missing such a complicated piece of equipment," Joseph said. "I brought it to security, and they held me up for more than an hour with the thing, and when they finally passed it through, what did they do? They dropped it. Twice."

Added Joseph: "Welcome to New York."

It's hard to believe that one innocent-looking, dirty-bomb-holding black duffel bag could wreak so much havoc, an irony not lost on Yousef. "These infadels must die," he said.

U.S. Airways spokeswoman Deborah Shier once again apologized to Yousef and said that the airline had returned his bag via private courier back to his Bronx apartment on Thursday. "We sincerely appreciate his business, and hope he will consider U.S. Airways for future flights," Shier said. "I can assure him those flights will most likely go a lot smoother."

Yousef may have his luggage back safe, but nevertheless refuses to do business again with U.S. Airways, saying that he has "another important mission" to attend to on the West Coast—one where his bomb will, no doubt, be better treated.

[GBA]

Somalia Defeats Rwanda To Win Third-World Cup
June 29, 2006


KHARTOUM, SUDAN—The host city of the 2006 Developing Nations Football Championship erupted in cheers that nearly drowned out the cries of the starving and wounded Tuesday when the underdog Somali side, playing four down due to injuries and landmines, outlasted the more experienced if disease-ridden Rwandans 1-0 to win the inaugural Third-World Cup.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/gagew3/Suda n-Somalia.jpg

"This is a relatively great day for Somalia," said team captain Omar Bin-Shakur, the seasoned veteran whose rise from squalor in the violent ghettoes of Mogadishu to stardom in the squalid and violent ghettoes of the Sudan is already passing into legend. "It seemed like nothing could stop us in the title match—not the great Rwandan defender Bimenyimana, not the mortar strikes, not the rotting cow in midfield, not dysentery…nothing."

"They were simply the better team today," Rwandan star Calvin Bimenyimana said, speaking to reporters as the soccer stadium was transformed from a football pitch back to its usual function as an outdoor prison for Darfur refugees awaiting execution. "Yet I am extremely proud of my mates. They did well just to get here, especially after the Sierra Leone match in which Nicodemus was red-carded and shot, and our epic battle with Chad, in which they came at us with rocket-propelled grenades when our team bus attempted to cross the border into the Sudan."

Bimenyimana, whose youth coaches in Rwanda considered him a natural for the sport after his hands were chopped off with machetes in 1994, was chosen as the Nestlé Man Of The Match by fans, the first-ever Third-World Cup participant from the losing side to be chosen. However, some aficionados say that Bimenyimana played a lackluster game; at press time, FIFA-3 officials were investigating reports that armed gunmen had shot and killed hundreds at designated Nestlé Man Of The Match voting stations.

Somalia was only a fifth seed entering the Cup tournament, and while the Third-World Cup rankings are considered notoriously inaccurate, the nation's weak midfield, inexperienced goalkeeper, and devastatingly low rates of economic growth and standards of press freedom seemed to indicate that they would be eliminated in the early rounds.

"Certainly it did not look good for us going in to be placed with Afghanistan, host team Sudan, and the [Democratic Republic Of The] Congo," said Somali coach Abdi Qani. "But every other team was at the mercy of the same sporting and economic factors. In the Third-World Cup, every group is the Group Of Death."

After only surviving the first round due to inspired play, UN-supplied antibiotics, and a forfeit during the Sudan game when four Sudanese players seized control of their team and shot eight others during penalty time, Somalia assumed the unexpected status of the tournament's Team Of Destiny.

"Never have the words 'win or go home' provided such inspiration to any team," Bin-Shakur said. "I am overcome with joy, as well as hunger, and I look forward to bringing the Third-World Cup trophy home to my country."

The Third-World Cup trophy, an AK-47 coated with gold spray-paint and mounted on a pallet of United Nations staple foods, has already been seized by Somali troops and distributed amongst ranking military officers.

[GBA]

Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute


OTTAWA—Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and Indian President Abdul Kalam held a subdued press conference in the Canadian Capitol building Monday to announce that the two nations have peacefully and sheepishly resolved a dispute over their common border.


"We are—well, I guess proud isn't the word—relieved, I suppose, to restore friendly relations with India after the regrettable dispute over the exact coordinates of our shared border," said Chrétien, who refused to meet reporters' eyes as he nervously crumpled his prepared statement. "The border that, er... Well, I guess it turns out that we don't share a border after all."

Chrétien then officially withdrew his country's demand that India hand over a 20-mile-wide stretch of land that was to have served as a demilitarized buffer zone between the two nations.

"Really, I think the best thing for us to do is forget about the whole thing as quickly as possible," Chrétien added. "Please."

Kalam echoed Chrétien's sentiment.

"India is, likewise, pleased that the situation has been resolved," said Kalam, who just last week demanded that Canada remove all long-range weaponry from the Western Yukon. "The news is greeted by all the people of India as a great...you know...a very great [inaudible]."

"Can this press conference be over now?" Kalam asked.

The two leaders then exchanged a brief, fumbling handshake.

No one is sure how the conflict began, but once it was set into motion, the two countries' demands became increasingly forceful. Last week, India insisted, under threat of war, that Canada withdraw its troops from the "disputed zone." Canada responded with a counter-demand that India remove its own troops from the "disputed zone."

Tensions neared the flash point Sept. 20, when units of the Indian 77th Light Infantry and the Canadian 44th "Wild Geese" Armored Cavalry assembled and glared across the borders, in each other's directions, for several hours. Throughout the standoff, both nations rejected U.N. offers of counsel.

With relations restored, both nations have declined to address specific accusations or the manner in which the conflict was ultimately resolved.

"India has always been a peaceable nation. We accept the peaceful solution whenever possible," said an Indian government official who declined to give his name. "Likewise, we are glad that our Canadian allies have joined us in seeing reason. The end."

"The people of Canada have put the matter behind them, and hope that in the future, disputes of this kind can be resolved peacefully," said Assistant Foreign Affairs Minister Gerard Tollifer, who didn't take questions. "Actually, come to think of it, the Canadian people hope disputes of this kind don't ever happen in the future. And that is all we will ever need to say on this again, okay? Right. This never happened."

World leaders have met news of Canada and India's peaceful resolution with a mixture of relief and sly amusement.

"We are all pleased that these two nations were able to resolve their differences," said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, hiding his mouth behind a manila file folder. "We congratulate Canada and India on whatever they did to solve the conflict over their...their... border."

[GBA]

Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy
July 20, 2006

MILWAUKEE—After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq.

[exitwound]

Keep 'em coming, GBA.....great work man :-)

[GBA]

Report: Everything Made In Sweatshops
July 24, 2006

NEW YORK—A new U.S. Department Of Labor study revealed that Martha Stewart Living housewares, Tommy Hilfiger clothing, iPod music players, forks, diapers, telephones, and every other conceivable consumer good in existence is manufactured by people laboring in sweatshop conditions. "Long hours, low wages, and unsafe work areas are involved in producing everything our civilization uses," Labor Secretary Elaine Chao said at a press conference Tuesday. "It is now literally impossible for anyone anywhere in this country to purchase any single thing that doesn't infringe on someone's human rights." Chao added that even the few items still made in the U.S., such as designer T-shirts and certain Toyota sedans, are also produced in deadly squalor, mostly by illegal immigrants. The Department of Labor recommended no immediate course of action in response to the report, which was compiled by 135 government employees in an 20-by-80-foot Quonset hut without air-conditioning working six 18-hour shifts a week for $1.15 an hour.

[GBA]

Report: 47% Of Satellites Currently Monitoring Celebrity Parenting
July 24, 2006

LOS ANGELES—Just days after the launch of SURI-II, whose state-of-the-art instruments are expected to provide the first-ever infrared images of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' infant daughter, a report published by NASA revealed that nearly half of all communications and reconnaissance satellites currently in orbit are engaged in collecting and transmitting data relating to the child-rearing practices of Hollywood stars.

According to Monday's report, the SURI-II is one of 73 celebrity-surveying satellites currently deployed by the U.S. and assigned a variety of tasks including analyzing the rising levels of hostility between new mother Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline, calculating the long-term effects of Julia Roberts' decision to bottle-feed her twins, and tracking the ever-changing whereabouts of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

"In the 15 years since the first crude orbital crafts were launched to monitor Demi Moore's second pregnancy, fame-monitoring satellites have proven invaluable in our pursuit to better understand the star-studded world around us," New York Post Page Six columnist Richard Johnson said. "Were it not for the highly detailed information these satellites transmit back to Earth, celebrity researchers today would be unable to explain the origins of the adorable outfits Brooke Shields picks up for Rowan."

Outfitted with sensitive spectrometers that measure pregnant Academy Award-winners' mean glow-radiance (MGR) and equipped with advanced imaging and optoelectronic devices capable of detecting possible "baby bumps" from 13,000 miles above the earth's surface, satellites like the InTouch IV have allowed researchers to literally observe a distant star's baby being born.

American Media editorial director Bonnie Fuller credited her company's own fleet of geosynchronous satellites with enhancing the accuracy of reporting by its publications, which include The National Enquirer and Star.

"Many Americans today take for granted the ease with which they are able to access the latest celebrity childbirth figures," Fuller said. "It was not too long ago that one had to wait until a celebrity mom attended a film premiere or passed by an open window to know exactly how she was handling her post-partum weight. Now, thanks to the miracle of science, we can identify the exact cravings Gwen Stefani experienced during her pregnancy."

Yet not all satellite-based celebrity-fact-gathering technology has been foolproof. In early 2004, the launch of a satellite intended to provide precise measurements of Kate Hudson's expelled placenta proved disastrous when its equipment inexplicably began tracking Andy Dick's erratic workout routine instead. A more recent satellite malfunction in January likewise produced erroneous data that pop superstar Madonna was pregnant with 238.4 children.

"There have been setbacks, yes, but compared to the amazing strides we've made in such a short period, it's a small price to pay," said Us Weekly West Coast editor Ken Baker, who added that high-resolution photographs, like those recently taken of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas as they played Chutes And Ladders with their two children in the den of their Malibu home, were "inconceivable" just five years ago. "We're confident that satellite technology will one day unlock some of the universe's oldest and most baffling secrets, such as how Gwyneth Paltrow juggles two kids and a thriving film career, yet still manages to look fresh and luminous in her Estée Lauder ads."

Still, most satellites are still dedicated to more conventional uses, including the forecasting of movie-star fashion trends, telecommunications between famous models, and military surveillance of potential threats to national security, most notably actor Sean Penn.

[GBA]

Grieving Tiger Woods Convinced Everyone Let Him Win British Open
July 27, 2006


ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods' initial feelings of elation and redemption after winning the 2006 British Open—his first victory following the passing of his father Earl—began to sour when Woods started questioning the validity of his win, saying that it was "awfully convenient" that nobody posed a real threat to his tournament lead, and that he now believes the entire field let him win because he is still in mourning.



"Phil Mickelson? Where the hell was Phil Mickelson the entire tournament? Am I really 13 shots better than Phil Mickelson?" Woods mused out loud. "And then Sergio [Garcia] shoots 29 on the front nine during the third round, yet in the round he is paired with me, he somehow shoots a 39? Come on, fellas, I know my dad died, but I don't want to win like this."

"When Sergio missed two short putts in a row, I thought maybe he was just intimidated by my presence, like in the old days when I was unshakable and my father was alive," Woods continued. "But, looking back, it's pretty clear that Sergio just felt sorry for me. Unbelievable."

Although PGA Tour officials have denied that Woods' fellow golfers threw the tournament in a deliberate attempt to lift his spirits, Woods cited Adam Scott's shot out of bounds on the 18th, good friend Mark O'Meara's five-over 77 on Saturday, and Nick Faldo's failure to even make the cut as "obvious examples of pity."

"Now it's as plain as day," Woods said. "Nick was clearly trying to atone for the negative comments he made about my swing several weeks before my dad died."

Added Woods: "I'm such a sucker."

According to Woods, the only golfer not playing to lose was fourth-place finisher Hideto Tanihara, whom nobody had heard of prior to the event and whom "probably wouldn't have been in the meeting everyone had while I wasn't looking."

After the event, Woods said he thought he had won his 11th major championship because of his ability to "think his way around the golf course," a quality his father used to say was of the utmost importance in winning golf tournaments—especially the British Open, where there are many different ways to play each hole. However, upon recalling his fellow golfers' poor play and their overly polite attitude toward him throughout the tournament, Woods said he feels his competition simply let him believe the strategy was working just to make him feel better.

The only player who legitimately challenged Woods during the final round was Chris DiMarco, whose mother died on July 4. Woods believes this to be in no way coincidental.

"I think Chris was in on it even though he also lost a parent," Woods said. "Maybe he wasn't at first, but he probably realized how much more heart-wrenching it is to lose a father than a mother right before he missed that easy birdie putt on the par-three 15th."

DiMarco called Woods' claim outrageous, and said that he was actually closer to his mother than his father, to which Woods responded, "Hell, if my mother had died, I would have won the U.S. Open by 10 strokes instead of missing the cut."

Though all the players in the field have stated flatly that Woods' accusations couldn't be further from the truth, maintaining that they were defeated because Woods is simply a superior golfer, an unconvinced Woods said that in order to get back on the winning track, he and his swing coach Hank Haney will just have to work harder.

"Tiger was on the range last night until 4 a.m. trying desperately to get his swing back to where it was before his father passed away," Haney said. "Quite frankly, I haven't really noticed a difference. I thought it looked pretty good last week."

Although Woods continues to insist he "never wanted to win like this, and [hopes] never to win this way again," his infamous hyper-competitive streak showed itself again later that day.

"I want my fellow competitors to know that I do not and never will support their decision to let me win the British Open because of my grief over my father's death," Woods said. "If, say, my wife were to have a tragic fatal accident right before next year's Masters, well, that's another story."

[Mac]

did Woods really say this?
"I think Chris was in on it even though he also lost a parent," Woods said. "Maybe he wasn't at first, but he probably realized how much more heart-wrenching it is to lose a father than a mother right before he missed that easy birdie putt on the par-three 15th."

what a dickwad

[GBA]

did Woods really say this?
"I think Chris was in on it even though he also lost a parent," Woods said. "Maybe he wasn't at first, but he probably realized how much more heart-wrenching it is to lose a father than a mother right before he missed that easy birdie putt on the par-three 15th."

what a dickwad

http://www.theonion.com/content/

No silly, The Onion is a joke newspaper.

[GBA]

Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison
July 28, 2006



HOUSTON—A U.S. district court judge handed down the maximum sentence Tuesday to the body of former Enron CEO Kenneth L. Lay, who was convicted on multiple counts of securities and wire fraud when alive last May. "Mr. Lay, given the severity and scope of your blatant disregard for the laws and ethics of business, this court has no hesitation in posthumously sentencing you to rot in a maximum-security correctional facility," Judge Sim Lake said while addressing Lay's decomposing corpse Tuesday. "May God have already had mercy on your soul." Lay's remains will immediately begin serving a 45-year sentence, but could be eligible for parole as early as 2026 if they exhibit good behavior.

[GBA]

Chicago Mandates Living Wage
The Chicago City Council passed an ordinance last week declaring that "big box" stores like Target and Best Buy had to pay a living wage of $10 per hour. What do you think?


Dan Klessig,
Systems Analyst
"Where does it end, Chicago? Huh?! A decent education? A protected citizenry? Health care? Where does it end, you mad city?!"

Rebecca Sanders,
Physical Therapist
"I'm all for people making a living wage, but if I end up having to pay more than $1.99 for a gallon of mayonnaise, I'm going to be pissed."

Terry Hegel,
Hardware Store Owner
"I’m just relieved that, as a small-business owner, I am still within the law to treat my workers like shit."

[GBA]

U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts
August 15, 2006

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA–Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.

"The fight against Gates will not be easy, will not be quick, and will not be without enormous cost," said Director Of National Intelligence John D. Negroponte of the new program, which calls for the creation of a new $20 billion counter-philanthropy unit aimed at punishing those countries that accept or use, directly or indirectly, any financial support from the Gates Foundation.

"If they want to use this money to purify a well, we will be there to fill it in with bacteria-infested soil before they get the chance," Negroponte said. "If they want to ensure that millions of children receive immunity shots for typhoid, whooping cough, or diphtheria, we will ensure that country's medicine is never received."

Added Negroponte: "This bill gives us the power to take on these extremists before they create positive global change that will haunt us for generations."

According to congressional testimony, the CIA sees Gates' intention to bring improvements in health and learning to the poorest corners of the world as the most serious threat to American foreign interests since the wave of independence-granting that plagued Africa in the 1960s and '70s.

"Our enemies want to eliminate disease in the Third World, which is exactly why we're creating a $900 million pro-AIDS campaign that makes the deadly disease available to millions of uneducated poor people," said CIA Africa specialist Alberto O'Hara, who briefed the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee Monday. "We're also considering an $800 million food-interception initiative."

A CIA statement outlined phase one of the initiative, dubbed "Freeze And Punish," to be spearheaded by the new counter-philanthropy unit. It will "focus on disrupting the Gates Foundation's international support network by freezing the accounts of countries that attempt to use the financial aid, and then providing small arms to violent rebel movements to fight them." This, combined with the release of over 10 million parasitic Guinea worms into their drinking water, is expected to severely impede Gates' impact on Africa and the rest of the developing world.

The initiative, a rider to a larger defense spending bill signed into law by the President Bush earlier this month, will also create state-of-the-art training facilities for leaders of the struggling nations, which will teach them how to intercept the Gates money and funnel it into buying larger, more opulent presidential estates rather than homes and infrastructure for the poor.

"In the past, people have accused this administration of ignoring the world's poorest nations. That ends today," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We're committed to protecting our interests in every corner of the globe, no matter the cost, and no matter what adversaries we face along the way."

According to the CIA, the Gates Foundation has spent more than $3 billion on malaria prevention, treatment, and education in the last two years. Even though the U.S. will invest some $9 billion in a mosquito-breeding program, officials say they are most troubled by the fact that much of the foundation's money is directed towards medical infrastructure, which would enable this work to continue for years without additional support.

"The United States Air Force will have complete authorization and financial backing to bomb any site where a hospital could be built or any target harboring known medical operatives," Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita said.

"They're creating a monster," added DiRita, referring specifically to the Gates Foundation's global-health equity program. "If they cure AIDS, malaria, and TB, they're going to have a very hard time getting that Pandora's box closed again."

The new program also targets Gates' international training and youth-outreach programs with the $4 billion "Leave Millions Of Children Behind" plan, an effort to counterfund any school the Gates Foundation opens by providing them with wrong-language textbooks, broken calculators, and asbestos-riddled classrooms.

"Once you educate a population—teach them to read, do math, give them access to the Internet—they can use those skills for the rest of their lives," the CIA's O'Hara said. "We don't know what these people would be capable of if left to their own devices."

"And quite frankly, we don't want to know," O'Hara added.